Needing a Hand

Yesterday was a bust. The day was long for both of us in different ways. We both pushed where we shouldn't have, and we both payed for it.

I don't regret standing up to him... all too often I allow him to justify the reasoning behind what he had intended to do or say, or come across. But last night I felt tired of being hurt, and sick of being apologized to. (Not that he does it all the time)

But that doesn't mean that I was nice either...



There were some saving graces. We didn't argue the whole night. He stayed longer than planned and we cuddled on the couch for a bit. But the night ended with a flare of frustration and distance between us (I'd like to thank the academy...)



So now things are at this quiet standoff. The energy between us is almost palpable, even though he is no where near me, and it feels like when it breaks... a storm will hit.

I just want to be past this.

I wish I could find a way to show him respect without feeling like it make me small, overlooked and unappreciated. I want to show him that I will always honor his position, and NOT have that feel like a dig at my pride...

I just can't seem to do it. I'm so wrapped up in how easily he can effect me, that I can't even touch the concept of how I effect him.




...I don't want him to spank me.


I don't want him to call me out on the things I said that were disrespectful, even if I was coming from a place of feeling disrespected the time. I don't want to apologize for what "at the time" felt rather justified. Well YOU were mean, so it's MY turn...

But I really don't want this  d i s t a n c e  between us.


I can't get past the stubborn side of my pride to even see how he cares about me. One misstep and I close up. Admittedly, it feels like more than a "whoops" when he does something like that without thought to my feelings... but I can't even climb over this wall, let alone tear it down. I am well hidden behind my castle, completely impenetrable.

I don't want this.

He doesn't deserve this.

We neeed to fix this.



I need one of those awful, stupid, uncalled for, totally deserving spankings. (sigh)