I'm sorry that this post is going to take a different tone than my usual writing. I've been gone for some time from blogland, living a life full of commitments and busy with activities. And I am hoping to come back with some regular consistency in December... but for this evening I am only here to whisper anonymously into the darkness.
I'm not looking for hugs or pity, I just want to say how I'm feeling... somewhere, out loud, where I don't have to worry about how people will react to it... I just want to give my feelings a voice.
I feel alone.
I am living a busy life, full of many wonderful things that I have
chosen to be a part of. And although I realized too late that I committed myself to too much, I won't be changing anything for a few months, when most of the commitments have run their course.
...this is not the end of the world. But emotionally I am so wrecked.
I
don't want to be a victim. I
don't want to feel this raw about my life circumstance. I
know that its only a matter of time... and yet, I can't stop myself from crying. I can't get over the fact that I am so used up and burned out that I feel like I've lost myself.
I chose all these great things to do, and now I feel trapped in a live that is living me... while I'm not actually living.
For months I have tried to slow down. I've tried to rest more, take care of life-projects that have always been thrown to the back burner, and yet I find myself getting busier and busier. Its like I'm rolling down a hill, picking up speed.
And this has become my identity. I'm the "busy one", "can't get into trouble when I have so much on my plate", "must be nice to have so much going on"... its not, I HATE it. I want to breathe. I want to ENJOY where I am, not rush to the next thing feeling less than prepared. Feeling less than worthy in every position I have.
But nothing that I say changes anything...
...I am my own guard and captor. I created this cell and I have at least two more months left to my sentence. I just hope my sanity holds out.
